Remember that 5 year plan?
Sometimes I really feel like I’ve got it all together.
Sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart.
In conclusion, I don’t really know what I’m doing.
I love my life. I love my friends. And I love my family. I know fortunate lucky I am: I’m a twenty-something, studying at a great university, apart of our Greek Life, on the Dean’s list, writing this blog, planning events, and have the ability to create a professional identity for myself. I just hope I don’t screw anything up in the process of juggling them all. Because, if you know me at all, I may have turned into quite the mess.
“I don’t know what I’m doing” has become the catchphrase of my life the past couple months.
I had life plans for years. From the time I was in 4th grade, when I thought I wanted to be a forensic pathologist (??), because who wasn’t obsessed with Forensic Files and Law and Order: SVU at age 11? Anyway, it was high school when I thought I would become a teacher. I loved working with kids. I started my own reading program at my school’s primary center to promote positive self image and bullying awareness. Awesome. I’d be a teacher, move somewhere in the southern suburbs, maybe Florida? I would apply for a graduate program as a Reading Specialist. My teachers from senior year would even comment on how much they wished they were as sure and focused at 18 as I was. I got this. Five year plan. I know what I’m doing.
Fast forward a little more: college: sophomore year. I loved my Education classes. I loved waking up at 7AM and spending my mornings with 2nd graders. There wasn’t a moment that I wasn’t happy to be working with my kids. But, was this my passion? During the summer, I wasn’t working with children but I was working in customer service, guest relations, and social media marketing. Was I giving Education my 110%? No. But you know what I did love? Writing, communicating, and I suppose a little marketing/advertising was thrown in the mix. So, I switched my major in Fall of 2016 to Communications Studies with a minor in Marketing.
I can remember thinking my senior year of high school, when they told us that like 80000% of students change their major at least once: “who switches their major during college? They need to get their act together.” Welp. My act was apparently not together and here. I. was.
Now what am I going to do? What’s my plan? Do I have a plan for after graduation? Should I be getting more experience or exposure or what about internships? Am I behind? Oh, right. Now I don’t know what I’m doing.
One thing I do know [in my constant state of variables] is that I made the right choice in switching my major. I thought I loved being an ‘Ed major’ until I become a ‘Comm major’. I didn’t realize how easily I would adapt to using Adobe programs (Photoshop, InDesign, Illustrator… I’m learning the lingo) or how much I would enjoy developing my own content.
But again, now I don’t know what I’m doing and I have to start a whole new plan. I’m only twenty years old. I’m two decades old yet I still feel like I should be much more accomplished or wiser than I am. I feel as though I should know exactly what I want to do in two years or exactly where I’m going.
And now I don’t. It’s killing me, the girl who always had a plan.
My plan. I was always so thoughtful and careful and now everything is up in the air, constantly changing. My concrete identity and my sense of self some how switched when I changed my major. It’s as if my personal sense of stability walked out and left a straw person in its place. All of these chances and all of these doors that I haven’t opened yet. Am I just scared of opportunity? Or is it just a fear of the unknown
I don’t know yet.
But, I hear that it’s okay to have questions and it’s okay to not know everything. I hear that college is the time to make mistakes. I hear that your twenties are the time to figure out who you are, where you’re going and who you want to be. What I do know is that I’ll find out eventually. Whatever I’m doing right now, whatever I’m going through, where ever I am… it’s setting me up and giving me the experience I need to become the person that I was meant to be. Everything happens for a reason right? Everything will work out. Eventually.
And I guess right now, it’s time for me to build my 5 year plan again. This time, from the ground up.
Here’s to figuring it out, one day at a time. xo